Steel Cage Match!
Beck Hansen vs. Hanson!

Hansen vs. Hanson! What may at first seem like an unfair 3-on-1 advantage is reduced to even odds in light of the fact that Beck is a master of the mysterious martial arts (& Hanson is an annoying, liteweight blue-eyed Jax 5 rip-off pop 40 teenybopper confection). Zachary, always the impetuous young Hanson bro, rushes in first & goes for Beck’s knees. Beck swiftly sidesteps the young tyke, dropping a $100 bill at his feet, which Zach promptly snatches & runs from the ring with, in order to feed his nascent (but strong) crack habit. Taylor & Isaac, shocked by their brother’s quick exit, flank Beck & attack at once. While piling on the diminutive Angeleno, they match pitches into a high harmony, damaging Beck’s left ear & bursting a blood vessel in his brain. Staggered but as ever the tactician/gentleman, Beck looks up at Taylor & says, “I don’t fight girls.” Taylor’s fragile ego collapses, forcing him to run to his Mommy, orchestrating the Hanson attack from just outside the cage. Isaac, undaunted and standing a full 8” taller than his opponent, makes a berserker run on Beck, fueled by the sexual frustration understandable only by those whose androgynous prepubescent little brothers get more “action” than them. Beck counters w/ a James Brown slide & Elvis hip-shake to evade the onrushing überteen & muddles the boy’s mind w/ a dada tone poem in blues cadence, then stuns the youth w/ a knifehand strike tot he neck. The two then tangle in a flurry of fists, blood, blond hair, and ruddy cheeks. Beck comes out victorious, having taken Isaac out Brooklyn-style. This leaves Beck 2-0 after a win over the aging Jeff Beck & Hanson 0-2 after an ugly loss to the hockey- & Ramones-loving Hanson Brothers. Next time: Billy Joel vs. Billy Joe.